TEXTSIZER™

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“HELLO, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH AN AMAZING NEW PRODUCT!

TIRED OF CONSTANTLY LOSING YOUR JOB AND BEING STIGMATIZED BY CIVILIZED SOCIETY FOR BEING OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD? THEN YOU NEED THE TEXTSIZER™!

OBSERVE, AS I, BILLY MAYS USE THE TEXTSIZER™ TO LOWER THE VOLUME OF MY DISCOURSE. IT'S AMAZING! YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE DIFFERENCE!

NOW, YOU CAN CONTINUE MASHING THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON AND SHIFT KEYS WITH YOUR LARGE, HAM-LIKE FISTS, WHILE KEEPING IRRITATION AMONG FRIENDS, COWORKERS AND PETS TO A MINIMUM!

THE TEXTSIZER™! PROVEN TO REDUCE ONLINE IMPRESSIONS THAT YOU'RE MENTALLY RETARDED BY AN ASTONISHING 63%! ORDER TODAY!”

—Cagey B, commenting at Fark.

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